Ten years ago I had a book published about Daniela's first seven years with us. Following it's publication, I had the opportunity to write for some magazines that focused on adoption and special education. The book gave our family many interesting opportunities and experiences and led us to some wonderful friendships. It also also gave me the opportunity to speak publicly and advocate for international adoption and the effects of institutionalization on children. I haven't done much writing and speaking in recent years, but I thought readers of the blog might like to see who Daniela was ten years ago and just how far she has come (especially with all the recent negative focus in the press about international adoption and the adoption of children who have emotional disabilities). This article was publshed in Adoption Today magazine and was written the night before Daniela's tenth birthday. Enjoy......... Tina Goldstone
*One note - please notice the use of the phrase "Mentally retarded" This was the standard legal phrase in Virginia in 1999. Thankfully, the terminology is different now.
The following essay was inspired by my daughter Daniela’s most recent and most thorough evaluation. Daniela was adopted in 1991 from an orphanage in Focsani, Romania. She has a number of learning disabilities and behavior issues. One of the questions the psychologist asked my husband and me, at the completion of the testing, is a familiar one. I have been asked this question on numerous occasions, especially in the past year, since the publication of my book (Come to the Window) about our life with Daniela.
I wrote this essay and sent it to the other members of the post-adoption mailing list run by the web-site EEAC (Eastern European Adoption Coalition at eeadopt@org). I have enjoyed immensely the support and stories of the other families who subscribe to this list and to the Romanian adoption list. I have made several on-line friends whose children seem to struggle with the identical issues as Daniela. We all have great days and horrible days and it is wonderful to be able to share them with families who understand what you are going through in a way that no one else can. Being informed and having the support of other devoted parents can make life’s journey so much smoother. I hope you enjoy my tribute to Daniela born December 18, 1989 and now one of my two much-loved daughters.
"Would We Do It Again?"
Since we adopted our daughter Daniela almost nine years ago, from an orphanage
in Romania, we have been asked this question many times - "If we had known
all the challenges Daniela was going to have, would we still have made the
decision to adopt her?" My answer has always been automatic. I say,
"Absolutely, in a heartbeat". But, in truth, I don't think I ever stopped
to really consider the question. Perhaps I was afraid to. Tonight, on the eve
of Daniela's tenth birthday, I decided to answer the question truthfully.
Daniela has sometimes made life incredibly difficult for her dad, her big
sister Marcy, and myself. Sometimes, when things get really hard I worry
about what her life and our future is going to entail.
Here are some of the heartbreaking issues that Daniela's life is full of.
She has volumes of reports from countless different evaluations that were
done over the years to help her get the extra services that she needs - the
most painful one was the one recommending her to be placed in a class for
"educable mentally retarded"* children
She has scars all over her arms from picking at her skin in times of
stress.
She has, in her wake, left our house and it's belongings much in need of
repairs.
She is on three different medications, one of them scary. (note 2010: she was only on the scary med for 1 month)
We have received more than anyone's share of calls and notes from schools
and daycare detailing Daniela's many offenses. They started when she was
three years old. No one wants other children to be afraid of their child. Sometimes,
Daniela has, impulsively, hurt and frightened other children, though never in anger.
We, including Daniela, have heard countless cruel remarks about her,
from other children and from adults who should know better - either directly, or
when they think we don't hear.
Her immaturity is starting to mark her more now as she gets older. She is
more obviously different than other children her age. It breaks my heart
sometimes to see the disparity.
It's so hard to try and teach her some small thing day after day, month
after month, and even year after year and still know that she has no
understanding of what you are talking about.
So, if we knew all these things, would we still have adopted her? Well, if we knew
these things then I also assume we would know the positive things
about Daniela, such as -
Every new experience is a wonder and a delight to her. She revels in life
as no one I have ever seen.
She is so genuinely appreciative of any kind word, gift, or gesture. She
can make the giver feel like they have done something for her that no one
else could have.
She is always full of words of encouragement to anyone who has succeeded
at something or who just looks like they could use a kind word or a hug.
She is the epitome of unconditional love.
Each hard-earned lesson learned is such a triumph to her and to those of us
who are her teachers. Her recent triumphs in reading and spelling are worth
the world to all of us.
She is beautiful, and funny, and as fast as the wind.
Her most recent and very thorough evaluation by an experienced
psychologist yielded new information about who Daniela is and why she
has certain strengths and weaknesses. She again tested in the “mentally
retarded”* range on many conventional tests, but this person dug deeper and
discovered that underneath all the learning disabilities is a child who
may have started out in that orphanage bed ten years ago with average potential,
and better yet, much of it is still there. We just have to keep trying to find ways
to keep her on track. The doctor says that she thinks, (and she has
examined many severely neglected kids), that Daniela's prognosis is
good, that she'll be able to marry and have a career. I hope she'll be able to
parent children of her own.
She has impacted and inspired the lives of not only her family but people
in our community, country, and even in other countries. She has a charisma
and smile that can melt the stoniest heart. She makes us laugh every day,
sometimes under our breaths, as she is engaging in, one of her over the
top, antics.
You can't help but love her, even when you are furious at her.
She is so innocent and naive. She has no idea that she is such an
incredible little being. She has made me reach inside myself and find strength
that I never knew existed. She has changed me forever and made me a much
better person for having her in my life.
I'm sorry this is so long. I don't write often, but I just had to
commemorate this birthday in a special way, and I couldn't think of a
better way that sharing this statement with all of you who know what I mean
(more than anyone else) when I say this - "Would we adopt Daniela Again?" I
can say most assuredly, yes, absolutely, in a heartbeat.
Wishing you the best of futures with your own inspiring children,
Christina Goldstone
2010 - (UPDATE : For a number of years now - Daniela no longer picks at her skin, she no longer is destructive, no one is ever afraid of her, or is cruel to her. She is a joy to be with every day - considerate, hard-working, helpful. Her future knows no bounds.....
Daniela in 2001 on her first trip back to Romania- see captions below photos -
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